Good Grief

September is about to start and my heart is pounding just with the thought of having to hold space for a date that has brought so much pain to me. If you have grieved the death of a parent, you know what I'm talking about. My mom's passing created a void deeper than the emptiness I felt from her inability to love me how we wanted to be loved. In the last five years of her life my Mom and I bonded like never before and healed so much from so many traumatic experiences. It was a gift and her loss is an inexplicable sense of disconnection that has no words. It's almost like a groaning sound, combined with the sound one would make while falling into the abyss whilst being mute.

I miss my mom. But I also miss the person I was before she died who carried no memory of her death.

The months of August and September put me in a state of alert. And even though I use all my healing tools to regulate my nervous system my body remembers.

But it's not just the date of her passing. It's everything that was surrounding that date. All the events before, during and after. The anticipation as well as the aftermath.

Rcently I've had several people ask me this question even though it's been almost two years since my mom passed away: "Have you been able to mourn well?" or "Have you taken the time to grieve?"

My answer to both these questions are:

When can we really say we "mourned well" and do you know that we don't take the time to grieve, but rather grief takes time?

But seriously... what does mourning well look like? Is there a posture? A language? A specific prayer? A practice? What if we cry too much or don't cry enough? Perhaps we take up a new hobby or travel more... Or paint and write about our loss. Do we post about our passing joy or share stories on social media when we are crying... even if you wake up the next day with vulnerability hangover?

My conclusion is that GOOD GRIEF is not a cookie cutter expression. But it does require one thing: bringing our sorrow to God.

I was feeling stuck because there are days where I can't cry. And if you know me - you know that I am a crier!

So I journaled and asked God to help me grieve well. For him to show me

And He did.

And here is what my conversation with Him looked like.

(Use your Holy imagination or this part. Specially if you're uncomfortable with anyone saying that God talks to them. I'm simply sharing with you MY process of journaling and connecting to God. What I perceive of Him speaking to me is in red... wink wink

What do you miss about your mom?

Her voice.

What about it?

It gave me a sense of belonging.

You belong to me.

But I don't always hear you.

You can't hear me when you are distracted.

True.

What else do you miss about your mom?

Her incredible sense of humor. Her "apuntes" and unique ways of saying things.

Yeah. She had such a way with words. You have that too!

Eeehhh not like her. But my daughter does!

Yes! One day she'll be able to see how similar they are. But it's not time yet.

What else do you miss about your mom?

I miss KNOWING how she is. I haven't heard from her since September 18, 2024! This is the longest Ive been without knowing or hearing from her. UGH. I know she is with you , and that gives me peace, but something is missing....

Weren't there many times when you would call and she wouldn't answer? Days and weeks where she would disappear and then be angry at you when you worried?

Yes, but at least when she finally appeared again, it was a RELIEF!

Ahhhh and there it is my daughter. Life with your mom was very chaotic and painful and for that I am so deeply sorry. This was part of your daily life. There was anxiety for not knowing if she was alive. You were afraid of her dying. Today, that anxiety is gone, but what you miss is the RELIEF!

I sobbed just thinking of that 4 year old, 6 year old, 9 year old, 12 yar old, 20 year old 30 year old and all the way to the woman I had become that felt abandoned and lonely. All those years of anxious dispair.

Once again God led me to grieve the way I had to live in constant fear, dis-regulated, lonely and abandoned. It wasn't just about missing my mom. It was about all that I had missed out on for living in abandonment and fear.

This was GOOD GRIEF.

At this point I understood, it was hard for me to sit in the peace... to not have the anticipation of possible relief. Ahá! Another place where I got stuck... and where my whole being was unable to REST. No wonder I became a workaholic!

I sat down and drew a chart to see the cycle of my RELIEF and ANXIETY, and saw the pattern of the codependent behavior that created a false sense of relief , that was combined with years of pent up anger, anxiety and frustration. A mechanism I had used in different areas of my life. It became a toxic way of accepting poor behavior from people around me and God the Father was now revealing to me what that looked like, not just for me but for others who also have fallen into this pattern, se we can all collectively heal and abide with Him and experience the TRUE RELIEF from His love.

Based on this I created a graphic to illustrate The Cycle of Loneliness and Abandonment so we can understand at what point WE can take action and take responsibility for what we can change and learn to respond instead of react.

And in the end, this is the beauty of mourning well, the gift of GOOD GRIEF: when we bring our sorrow to God, He will not only comfort us but show us what we need to see because He loves us where we are at, but He will not simply leave us there.

After journaling about this the Lord revealed this to me:

Relief is not the same as comfort. Relief eases our distress.

Comfort embraces the heart and creates space for love.

Relief lightens the burden. Comfort holds us while we carry it.

In Matthew 5:4 it says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" and guess what?

It's true.